The top 10 excuses Manny gave after Ramirez tested positive for a banned substance:
10. “Hey, it’s just Manny being Manny…. wait, what do you mean that only works in Boston?”
9. “When was that mandatory test? Last Thursday? No, that can’t be right. I didn’t even show up that day!”
8. “Huh? Since when are Cocoa Puffs a banned substance?”
7. “See, I thought the pine tar would work better if I ate it, because then it’d stick on the outside and the inside!”
6. “Man, I’m just happy to be here. Whatever happened was in the past. So I can take the test again tomorrow, right?”
5. “I was just jealous of Kelly Ripa!”
4. “Positive is good right? Doesn’t that mean plus?”
3. “Damn, man. Stupid Juan Pierre peed in my cup!”
2. “I told Torre I needed a day off to go buy a new blender, but he just didn’t listen!”
1. “No, no no! It’s not that kind of performance enhancer…”
Paul Gammons, a columnist for PaulGammons.com, is trying to get on welfare to get one of Deval Patrick’s free cars.
